Elevators are wonderful inventions. If you feel like resting your weary legs after a hard day of work, the set of stairs to your apartment may seem insurmountable. "Ah-HA!" you suddenly remember, "I can take the elevator all whilst using minimal effort and maximum laziness!" (Don't worry, I'm not judging anyone. I'm just pointing out the facts...)
Whatever your reasons may be for taking the elevator, there is a unique (and assuredly unintended) set of guidelines which should be followed at all times. Unfortunately, I know few of these rules. However, through my various elevator exploits, I have come to realize that there are four main categories of riders who frequent these wonderful machines.
CATEGORY 1: "The Closer" This delightfully condemning term refers to individuals, such as myself, who frantically attempt to close the door of an elevator before anyone else can enter. Where this apparent fear of fellow riders originated, I've not a clue. What I do know, however, is the feeling of relief and satisfaction as the lift doors close, leaving me alone with four walls and six florescent light bulbs as companions. On a positive note, many Closers have honed their reflexes to the point where they can rapidly press the "close door" button with exceptional speed.
CATEGORY 2: "The Conversationalist" This individual will needlessly initiate small talk (or in the worst-case scenario, a conversation), subjecting any trapped elevator riders to seconds of excruciating friendliness. Although this type of elevator rider may seem harmless, do not be fooled by their cunning wit and distracting banter. If you are not careful, you may be lured into a seemingly-important conversation, only to realize that you have missed your stop on the 10th floor. Furthermore, people who ride the elevator cab be preoccupied with their cellphones, late for an important meeting, suffering from a debilitating injury, or simply resting their legs. In other words, they might not be receptive to friendly banter.
CATEGORY 3: "The Looker" This category of elevator rider tends to mimic the frenzied behavior of Chicken Little (who constantly fears that the sky is falling down). Deranged and erratic looks as well as awkward body movements are common characteristics of such an individual. Left, right, up down, diagonal, rectangle - there's no telling in which direction this person will look. But do not be alarmed - the Looker is most always harmless and will extract themselves from the stifling elevator atmosphere upon arrival to their floor.
CATEGORY 4: "The Dasher" You can find this character waiting anxiously in front of any elevator door, anticipating the right moment rush onto the elevator to claim a spot within. These passengers can be quite tenacious and will let nothing obstruct their path, including injured war veterans, babies in strollers, or those who blog about mundane, daily occurrences. These individuals are commonly, but not always, cross-categorized with "closers" and can vary widely in age.
As our journey through the World of Elevator Etiquette comes to a close, it is important to remember that some lift passengers can be selfish and stubborn, especially when a private or speedy elevator ride is at stake. However, there is hope! Perhaps this entry will prompt any offenders to reform their habits and heed the guidelines of elevator etiquette (as for the author's habits, all methods of reform have been unsuccessful...) Nonetheless, I hope that you are now aptly prepared to handle any situation that comes your way...in regards to elevators of course. Just remember to be cautious - it's a wild world out there.
very nicely completed mr chris
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